Life together is messy.
This here, is the aftermath of life in community. Of a meal together. Of children playing loudly in the same room where adults sit and chat. .
Housekeeping and I were never really best friends. And if I’m being totally honest, there is a part of me that likes the fullness of being with others in my home to spill over into the following day, so I sometimes like to relish in the mess for a couple of extra hours because it reminds me of the time we enjoyed the night before.
It also reminds me to be patient with my own family. My kids. I want the fullness of a life together with them but I don’t want ANY mess. I get a moment today to recognize that very very very rarely does togetherness leave me, and my space in the same state as it found me- and that’s something I should embrace.
I believe these are some of the inconvenient truths about forging, and enjoying the kind of community that saves & heals you - it changes you, it's hard work, it interrupts and rearranges your life.
There is absolutely nothing sterile and controlled about it.
If we want real and transformative, then we need to accept messy & disruptive is just going to be a part of the deal.
Donald Miller encourages us to prioritize our conflict navigation skills. He writes:
“All human progress happens by passing through conflict. You cannot climb a mountain, build a bridge, create a community or grow a business without engaging in and navigating conflict.”
I have noticed that many of us avoid withdraw from, ignore or turn away from the mess. We don’t allow ourselves to be drawn in deep enough, and when we are and it gets messy we pull away. We shut it down. We shut them out. We start again. With new, and hopefully less messy humans. Our lives and relationships stay shallow, and we are lonelier than ever.
I wonder if sometimes the reason why we are so stuck as a society, is if on a personal as well as on a macro-level, we are all just really, really shitty at conflict. We don’t actually resolve anything when we pull away. We don’t actually get through to the other side when we cancel and mute and block.
In this way I see how boundaries are misused. They become a means of terminating relationships, rather than navigating them. They are the tools we use to build giant, impenetrable barriers, rather than bridges. We are stuck, and alone inside our safe, sterile lives. Our ‘boundaries’ are suffocating us to death.
As Brene Brown likes to say, we can only really connect with others when we’re willing to risk the vulnerability.
And as my pastor likes to say, community isn’t found, it's forged.
I believe that in the aftermath of 2020 we may be more disconnected and alone than ever. I know that for many of us, our circles are small… may I encourage you to allow them (no matter how small) to be messy.
Make room for real.
Leave space and grace for mistakes, pain and misunderstanding.
In a time where we are tired, scared and angry - Lean towards one another, not away from them.
Errrrrrg. In the meantime, dishes do need to be cleared and washed and forts need to be packed a way so that we can do it all again tomorrow. And the day after that.
Here’s to making room for others, and their mess... but also our own 🤗 .