“Why on earth did I agree to do this!!!??”
In a moment of “excitement”, I said yes, it made perfect sense - it even sounded fun - but for days leading up to the event I just didn’t FEEL like it.
For no real or discernable reason at all. My feelings were just not feeling it.
But I did said say yes, people were counting on me, and while I don’t usually appreciate them - thank heavens for those old people-pleasing tendencies of mine… thanks to them I did go, despite how I was feeling about it… and it turns out that it was not only just what I needed, it was so much fun, soul-filling and enriching.
So WHY exactly did my feelings do everything they could to keep me from such a life changing experience? Why were they saying “no, stay home” when all along it was in my best interests to go?
And this is not the first time it’s happened, when the thing I least wanted to do was the thing that changed my life.
That got me thinking…what about all the things I have put off, plans I’ve cancelled and commitments I have broken because the message I got from my emotions was an indifferent, disinterested, bored and stubborn “NO”?
How much magic have I missed because I choose my feelings over my values, goals and convictions?
That’s the question I sat with this morning in the dark silence of my living room.
Why did my feelings say no?
If emotions are messengers, not necessarily the message, what information about WHY I tend to turn down and away from the things I actually need or want did I miss when I didn’t slow down long enough to just listen?
Huh? But fear usually feels like a knot in my stomach, a racing heart and tightening shoulders… not numbness or indifference… Right?
This morning in the dark, with a pen and a paper I traced my steps backward to all the moments I had said YES when everything inside me was like “EIW, NOPE” - and the common thread weaving in and out of my experiences was the the things I did, even when I didn’t want to, that turned out to be the most life-changing choices, were the things that were in line with my dreams, goals, and values - regardless of what they made me FEEL in the moment.
While the experiences that filled me with the most regret, pain and frustration were out of alignment with my dreams, goals and values - regardless of whether or not they had me in a euphoric high in the moment.
So WHY exactly would my emotions say NOPE when convictions were saying “YES!” ?
Could it be that I am kind of afraid of and unfamiliar with what is waiting for me on the other side of a value-driven, authentic yes?
Could it be that those “uuuuugh, *eye-roll*, I don’t feel like it moments” are actually my ego’s way of keeping me safe, but small?
Could it be that sometimes fear feels like indifference or numbness?
And could it be that acts of courage aren’t always all excitement & adrenaline rush… that courage can also be proceeding with a “yes”, even if all you have to go on is what you KNOW you are about, not what you’re feeling?
If I had stopped for long enough, and gotten curious enough about my emotions leading up to the event that changed my life this weekend, if I had asked, “why don’t you want to?”... I would have learnt that I was afraid. Afraid of being used, afraid of being seen, afraid of being discarded.
NOT that I should stay home.
I would have learnt that what FELT like numb, was actually fear…
And fear my friends, is a pretty crappy compass.
What does your feel like when it’s in disguise?
If you were to plot your course using your values, your convictions or your dreams and goals, where would they take you instead?
My new year's starter kit contains everything you need to get clear on where you want to go, and how you want to get there (including a short and sweet mini course), if you’d like to hone in on what you value most and where those values want to take you… download it here