It's happened at least twice in less than a week...
I woke up today feeling the same, except this time, rather than my own voice ringing it my ears - it was the chorus of the folks in the cheap seats or the background of my life, the people I barely (if ever) interact with, but whose opinion always seems to float to the very top of my awareness... mostly at those high stakes "crunch-time" moments.
I spent a good part of my morning rage cleaning at the frustration I felt within myself. Almost like I was trapped inside my own head, pleading my case against the verdicts handed down, lording over me.
I literally watched (or heard?) myself going back and forth with them - minutes (nearly an hour) passing as I contended for myself against an imaginary crew of faces and voices all accusing me of realizing some of my deepest, worst fears.
Then suddenly, a beautiful moment of clarity...
The rational part of me must have come back online, and after watching the mental ping-pong finally spoke up...
"hey Lauren - I am pretty sure you're asking the wrong questions, and focusing your energy on the wrong problem..."
***Insert hard blinking here***
"Who cares what they think? Is that even your responsibility to manage?
"No its not ..."
"All you can manage, the only thing you have complete control over, is whether or not you're in agreement with them, with those voices... the rest is completely out of your hands... and not even worth your time or energy."
First of all - welcome to my inner monologue. ( I feel like we know each other really well now).
Second of all... that little exchange that happened earlier is a variation of what I realized last week too.
"You're a failure"
They produce an intense emotional reaction which in me is usually ANGER - but beneath that are usually more vulnerable emotions like sadness, grief and fear.. anger just feels more powerful...
Which is interesting because what I need in that moment - is to reclaim responsibility for and power over my thoughts and the judgements I am making or agreeing with.
I think one of the most powerful boundaries we can draw is the one around ourself. The one where we limit the access the voices, opinions and judgements of others have to our thoughts.
When we draw strong boundaries around ourselves - we can create mechanisms by which we regulate or control who is allowed in, and who is allowed to take up space in our thoughts and our emotions.
This isn't the same as avoiding or suppressing them - thats not healthy or helpful.
Its actually the opposite. When we take full responsible for how we think and feel - rather than sit in blame or judgement over others for what we are experiencing - there is a much greater and more powerful incentive to steward them healthily and responsibly - because we know that the buck stops with us - we might as well get on with it and get the job done properly.
The past week has brought into sharp focus how my mental boundaries need an upgrade - I am letting too much in, I am allowing too much to stay, play and mess up what is mine to nurture and lovingly care for.
Some questions I have found are helpful in this process are:
- Who is making this judgement about me? Why do they have this kind of access to my thoughts? Are they worthy of the space they take up here?
- What is a more helpful/realistic/healthy and TRUE assessment/reflection of who I am?
- How am I pretending that what I think/feel isn't my responsibility to manage?
- If I could do one responsible/loving/healthy thing for my thought or emotional life right now, what would that be?
How about you? What are some helpful ways you clean up your mental messes?
If you're curious about what your boundaries style is, I have created a quick and easy quiz for you to take... find that right here:
Life together is messy.
This here, is the aftermath of life in community. Of a meal together. Of children playing loudly in the same room where adults sit and chat. .
Housekeeping and I were never really best friends. And if I’m being totally honest, there is a part of me that likes the fullness of being with others in my home to spill over into the following day, so I sometimes like to relish in the mess for a couple of extra hours because it reminds me of the time we enjoyed the night before.
It also reminds me to be patient with my own family. My kids. I want the fullness of a life together with them but I don’t want ANY mess. I get a moment today to recognize that very very very rarely does togetherness leave me, and my space in the same state as it found me- and that’s something I should embrace.
I believe these are some of the inconvenient truths about forging, and enjoying the kind of community that saves & heals you - it changes you, it's hard work, it interrupts and rearranges your life.
There is absolutely nothing sterile and controlled about it.
If we want real and transformative, then we need to accept messy & disruptive is just going to be a part of the deal.
Donald Miller encourages us to prioritize our conflict navigation skills. He writes:
“All human progress happens by passing through conflict. You cannot climb a mountain, build a bridge, create a community or grow a business without engaging in and navigating conflict.”
I have noticed that many of us avoid withdraw from, ignore or turn away from the mess. We don’t allow ourselves to be drawn in deep enough, and when we are and it gets messy we pull away. We shut it down. We shut them out. We start again. With new, and hopefully less messy humans. Our lives and relationships stay shallow, and we are lonelier than ever.
I wonder if sometimes the reason why we are so stuck as a society, is if on a personal as well as on a macro-level, we are all just really, really shitty at conflict. We don’t actually resolve anything when we pull away. We don’t actually get through to the other side when we cancel and mute and block.
In this way I see how boundaries are misused. They become a means of terminating relationships, rather than navigating them. They are the tools we use to build giant, impenetrable barriers, rather than bridges. We are stuck, and alone inside our safe, sterile lives. Our ‘boundaries’ are suffocating us to death.
As Brene Brown likes to say, we can only really connect with others when we’re willing to risk the vulnerability.
And as my pastor likes to say, community isn’t found, it's forged.
I believe that in the aftermath of 2020 we may be more disconnected and alone than ever. I know that for many of us, our circles are small… may I encourage you to allow them (no matter how small) to be messy.
Make room for real.
Leave space and grace for mistakes, pain and misunderstanding.
In a time where we are tired, scared and angry - Lean towards one another, not away from them.
Errrrrrg. In the meantime, dishes do need to be cleared and washed and forts need to be packed a way so that we can do it all again tomorrow. And the day after that.
Here’s to making room for others, and their mess... but also our own 🤗 .
It happens every single day. I don’t think any of us can remember the last time we went 24 hours without being exposed to polarizing news or opinions on our social media feeds or in our real-life relationships.
When we encounter “difference” in another, particularly politically, we feel may feel confused, angry, self-righteous, judgemental, frustrated, disappointed, hopeless and sad. We feel all the things. At that point we may try and engage - we try and get them to see it from our perspective, to study the ‘science’ or to consume the ‘right’ news outlets. It feels like noone is listening, everyone is shouting, we feel scared and overwhelmed and so in an effort to protect our peace we shut down and we shut them out. We retreat towards the comfort of our position, and the people who share it.
We’re fertilizing the division that is shaking our world to its bones.
I know that there are things we may or will struggle to reconcile in our differences, but if you are feeling exhausted, scared, confused and isolated from people. If you are watching your relationships with your friends, parents, siblings and brothers and sisters in faith crumble under the weight of difference… then here are some thoughts I would invite you to consider.
Warning: Our cultural disposition is one where we are asked to always pick a side. There is always a winner or a loser, an ultimate victor and the failures left in the dust. Our culture would have us believe there is zero gray space. That life is all or nothing.
I do not subscribe to this way of thinking about the human experience. I believe it is suffocating and destructive. You’ll struggle with the rest of this post if you want to hold on to the safety of “black and white, right and wrong”... If you want to venture out into grayspace, if you are willing to at least try to hold tension, to get curious about the world around you and the people in it, if you desire connection and courage, then this is a way forward for you.
Acknowledge, get curious about, understand and engage the emotions around an issue.
A strong sentiment in our culture is that feelings are either truth or they are lies. I would invite you to consider them, ‘data’ - information. I would also ask that you consider them to be an invitation to connect with another, to see them, and to help them feel safe and understood.
Our emotional responses to life tell us about our beliefs, about the experiences we have had in life and about what matters to us. They are also a platform for connection. When you allow yourself to get curious about the experience of another person, especially when the think differently to you - emotions will provide you with common ground. We all feel scared, helpless, angry, worried. We all have concerns about the world our children will grow up in and we all know what it's feels like to worry about death. Even if those aren’t present concerns for us, we probably have experienced them before and can empathize with how or what people are experiencing about the world.
I believe that one of the reasons so many of us refuse to venture into the ‘enemy territory’ of our ‘opponents’ experiences is that we are threatened by the truth of their experience. We are probably worried that, if we are confronted by the reality of their lives we will be forced to reconsider our own. We are so committed to being right, or believing we are right, that we lose all ability to “get it right” for ourselves and for others.
This requires a posture that assumes we don’t know everything, that we cannot possibly even if we try. It requires humility. The willingness to admit that we may be getting it wrong, that we may have some learning or growing to do. That despite our best efforts or intentions, we are hurting others through our choices.
I would like to invite you to consider that you can see, experience and empathise deeply with someone, and still not agree with them. That you can see their fear, their anger, their anxiety and grief, and instead of judging it as right or wrong, extend love and acceptance to the person on the other side of an issue as you.
The thing is, we all want people to do this for us, but we are unwilling to take the step and do it for another.
It's VULNERABLE to enter into the world of another and be willing to see things from their perspective.
It's VULNERABLE to admit that you also know what it's like to feel scared, angry, anxious or sad.
It's VULNERABLE to be gracious with these emotions and these experiences of another, especially if you have a very hard time being gracious with yourself when you have them too.
I have had moments when my willingness to see things from the perspective of another has changed my mind about something. It was hard and uncomfortable and I HATED having to say to myself and to my people - I was wrong about that… I am going to make a different choice now, and I may need to admit that further down the road, I will still not have it 100% right. Can I hang in there with myself, and give myself permission to figure it out as I go? Can I hang in there with others as they do the same?
I have had moments where I have sat and listened to and understood completely why someone made a choice that I absolutely disagreed with. I have maintained my commitments in those moments, but I released the other to maintain theirs. I can do so in complete love and respect for them. I can stay turned toward them even when we disagree. I can stay connected even when it's hard.
Stay tuned for Parts 2 & 3, for now - How can you lean into and try your utmost to understand the experience or perspective of another? How can you turn toward them and communicate your understanding, love and respect for them, even in disagreement?
I have hosted a training called “How to say no without ruining your relationships” … click the link to join if you need to figure out how to do that.
One of my and my big kids (6&8) favorite things to do is go on hiking adventures in the woods together.
Today was the first time I took Ellie, who turns 2 next week for a walk in the woods by herself, without the comfort of her stroller and the companionship of her father and older siblings.
You guys, the second she lost sight of the car she wanted to turn back.
I spent a good 5 minutes gently convincing me to follow me into the woods in between her asking where her brother, sister and father were.
Once she agreed to follow me, holding my hand, the farther in we got, the more unsure she became until she finally asked to be picked up.
We were in the middle of one of the most beautiful trails that we had been on as a family before, in the middle of a flock of hundreds of migrating songbirds and she kept looking back to see if she could see the car, and while I was mesmerized by the birdsong, all she seemed to be able to hear was the traffic beyond the trees.
How often are we like this? We are beckoned into wide open spaces of beauty and adventure only to look back to the comfort of the spaces we know. A dirty minivan vs. sunlight dancing in the trees. Four wheels and 7 seats vs thousands of songbirds fluttering overhead.
I hoisted babygirl onto my shoulders and I pointed upward. LOOK! Look at the mama squirrel and her babies in the hollow. Look at that one just two arms lengths from you chattering away. LOOK at all the birdies Ellie, listen. Look at the river dancing in the clearing ahead.
Then the moment we were both waiting for… that sweet little toddler gasp..
Mama! Me go down!
Mama, let’s run!
And we spent the rest of the hour wondering off the path and into the trees, picking flowers, investigating fallen branches, watching the water and flat on our backs enjoying the birds overhead.
At the end of our adventure I had to coerce her back into the car.
Friends, don’t mistake familiarity with destiny. Don’t get too attached to the minivans inside yourselves.
I am a human parent, need to recommit to my ideals on the REGULAR, and I choose to lovingly lead my daughter down pathways (although unfamiliar) that are for her good, her joy, and for her flourishing.
I was not angry that she was afraid, I was not upset by her attachment to what she knew. I did not disparage or judge her tentativeness. I just embraced her and invited her to trust me.
Some of you may feel led into the woods, past the point you’ve been before and without the people who usually go with you.
Just because all you can hear is the hum of the traffic beyond the trees, doesn’t mean thats all there is to hear. Listen.
You are not alone out there. You will not be left alone in there. If you need to, raise those arms and ask to be lifted up onto your fathers shoulders. Ask for some perspective. Ask him to show you things you are unable to see or hear from where you are.
You’ll be running out ahead of him, picking flowers and marveling at the beauty of your path soon enough.
Every Friday over in my free online community Healthy Boundaries for Heart-Centered Women, I host a live Q&A session where I dig into a question asked by one of the members. Last week, a member posed an incredible question about how to raise children with healthy boundaries.
My own children are only 8, 6 and 2. That means that I am nowhere near done with my own parenting journey, and while we can only hope we are on the right track, I expect that I will only really find out that we are when they reach adulthood if we did ok in this regard.
In many ways then, I am in the same boat as everyone else, figuring it out as I go along.
I do however think its important to realize that while our children learn from what we say to and teach them about life, and perhaps we will have many opportunities to impart wisdom to them as they grow older and their social lives get more complicated, we can lay the foundations for healthy boundaries for them now simply by being on our own journeys towards health and healthy boundaries.
Our children look to us to model healthy humanity. They learn how to be healthy humans by watching and imitating us. In that way, every single time we make a decision that takes us towards greater health and healthier relationships, we are teaching them about healthy boundaries.
With every single investment we make in ourselves, we can expect a return in their lives as well. As we grow in our understanding of healthy boundaries, embrace the responsibility we have over our own lives, and accept that it is not our job to control or manipulate others, we become better parents and model healthier boundaries.
All of that is available right here:
LIVE Q&A: Raising Children with Healthy Boundaries